Pregnancy has been a great experience for me. Likewise, motherhood is proving to be a wonderful, and challenging, experience. But there are things that I wasn’t prepared for: in the first year after my second one was born, I felt like I didn’t exist as an individual anymore. I didn’t know who I was anymore, other than a mother, and not a good one at that, from my point of view. I began struggling between my life as a mother and my ambitions as a woman and a photographer. I simply did not have time to shoot pictures, except of my loved ones, nor the inspiration. As much as I wanted to do something for myself, and feel like myself again, more incumbent things were always upon me: do the laundry, do the dishes, tidy the mess up, cook a healthy dinner, pick up the kids.
I really love my children, and the household tasks are evenly shared with my husband. So that is not the point. The point is: I wasn’t prepared for the fact that motherhood, for me, has also meant a loss of identity, a great sense of inadequacy, frustration at not being able to do certain things, and culpability for wanting them. I have sometimes felt lost, trapped, and too tired to think straight or do anything for myself.
I have gradually made peace with myself and found some balance, and part of the process has been shooting these pictures.